I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
