I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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