Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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