just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
