Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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