sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
