To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
