stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
