it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
