I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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