We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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