i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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