i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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