Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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