omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's blow job season.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dear god my vagina.
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