I CAN MOONWALK!
I can text with my tongue
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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