it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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