Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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