Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
