so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
