Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
