Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
