She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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