Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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