On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
