I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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