he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
