Banned from zoo.
Again?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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