What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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