just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
