I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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