i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I forget how to act sober
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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