Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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