Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
