i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My vagina just clenched in fear
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So here I am, sexting at work.
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