Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
