they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
