she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
