He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
