the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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