Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Boobs speak an international language.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
