grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
