I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
