I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
