someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
