Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
FUCK WHALES
PANTIES FOUND
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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