On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
