I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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