You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I had to cum in my sink.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
