I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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