She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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